The fire went out last night, which sometimes happens when I
forget to add more wood right before I go to bed. Last night was one of those nights where I
didn’t want to do anything but collapse, where every muscle was exhausted and
my mind was tired of thinking. The only
way I can shut off my mind is by sleeping and even then, it continues in motion
through vivid dreams.
I woke up freezing and trudged outside to fill the stove
under the cover of a sky still blanketed with darkness, with a scattering of
stars and a sliver of moon.
And I was surprised, because the last time I remembered to
check, the moon was full. I remembered
the way the entire forest was lit up at night, how there were shadows on the
ground.
But every moment after that was a blur. Time seemed to disappear on me.
It tends to do that, slip away like water through your
fingertips. You simply can’t hold onto
it. It is liquid and constantly in
motion, pouring through your life until you wake up and realize you’re not
twenty three anymore.
Not even close.
When the kids ask how old I am (they keep track of my age
for some odd reason) I always say I’m 23.
Or 25. I remember what it was
like back then.
The entire world was still stretched out in front of
me. The hope and promise of dreams to be
fulfilled, they waited for me in a universe I had not yet lived.
It was before. Before life changed and I was thrown into a
blender, cut into pieces and thrown back out, unsure where I was or what was in
store for me.
And then suddenly I am here.
It is now. And I don’t know how I
got here.
Or even if I’m the person that I want to be.
I’m reaching that scary ‘mid-life crisis point’ where some
people lose weight, change their hair, or compete in an obstacle course because
soon they won’t be able to. It’s now or
never.
It makes me question my own dreams, some I have carried
since childhood.
It’s now or never.
I’m faced with that distinct possibility that some dreams
were never meant to be.
When I think that, I have a hard time breathing.
My entire life these things, these wishes, these hopes, have
been in my heart. I want to make them
true. I’m just not sure how.
But if there is one thing the last few years has taught me,
it’s that we’re never stuck where we think we are. Nothing is set in stone because in the blink
of an eye everything can change. And sometimes
it does. Mine changed in a way I had
never expected, never wanted, and couldn’t stop. I am here now, where God has led me to be. But instead of waiting on Him, asking Him to
guide my steps, I’m faltering around on my own.
Trying to do things my way, in my time.
They say the devil is in the details and I tend to agree.
The big things aren’t the problem, but the little ones. The little ones that when strewn apart mean nothing,
but when stacked together mean everything.
Right now the little things are hanging precariously over my
head, ready to topple over.
I need to work on pulling them out, one by one.
Once I do that, I can see clearly again. And hopefully start working on those dreams.
